Friday, July 12, 2013

Heavy, Heavy July

The weather is cool for July.  July is for lakes and watermelon and air heavy with water that soaks into my skin and through my clothes.

This is the coolest July that I can remember.  It feels light, like spring instead of the dog days of summer.

Days and days of rain and temperatures in the 80s have made this summer delightful.  It's also weird.

That swimming pool membership I wanted didn't pan out.  With rain several times a week, the swimming hasn't been that great anyway.

That camper we didn't pursue would have been sitting in the driveway.  We have other things to do this summer.

Possibilities hover around us but never land.  So we wait in the weight.  July is light but our hearts are heavy.

Difficult decisions hang on and on and how do you KNOW what to do?

Houses sit empty too long and cost too much and the decisions of the past come and ask questions that simply can't be answered.

I drive myself crazy.

A little girl turns seven in July and the doctor says it's time for a new eardrum.  She's ready to get her ear fixed but she doesn't know everything that I do.  It'll be fine, God willing, but my heart hurts when I think about it too much.

How do you KNOW?

I worry about the past that can't be changed and the future that isn't even real and I go crazy.  My mind knows it is useless and even worse, it's faithless.

My worry is faithless.

There is only one decision that can be made.

Take the next step.  Then take another one.  Keep on going until I come to a crossroads then make the best decision I know and take another step.

Take a step now.  Not in the impossible past or the imaginary future but now.  Today.

still grateful,